Rajat’s mobile glowed as the familiar ‘ting’ indicated the arrival of a new message.
Comfortably wrapping himself in blankets, he had just tucked a pillow under his head with Sheldon-like precision at an angle that doesn’t hurt his neck nor his hand as he binges Netflix on his tablet.
The allure of the ping leads him to stretch for his mobile … It was the girl he matched on Bumble. They had been texting for a while now, and she had enquired about what he was doing.
After going back and forth on banter veiled with mild flirting, he decided to ask-
“hey listen… wantd to ask whether u on insta?”
Rajat hoped she would say yes. Seeing that the conversations have been going well, it is worth asking for it. He did want to know more about her!
The Filtration Process
With the abundant pool of choices in dating apps, users have adopted their own filtration processes. When questioned why he asked for the Instagram handle, Rajat explains quickly:
“It is a way to check more about her before I even meet her. It is like the next step in moving forward…and whether they want to move forward as well”
When compatibility is met after a period of conversations, the natural progression from dating apps is to exchange each other’s social media information.
With the pandemic making us relook our expectations, the way we figure out who we want to have any form of relationship with has taken a change as well. A survey by NortonLifeLock in 2022 shows that checking social media profiles is the most common tactic for vetting a prospective date (about 60% of all online daters).
Validation for moving forward
Dating apps do not provide enough information to be able to know that the person you are talking to is “the one”. While swiping left and right helps navigate the ocean of profiles, conversations in these dating apps alone cannot determine enough about a person and whether he/she meets the expectations we are looking for. While the data we get regarding our match (through conversations and details on profile) is often singular and curated towards the person, being able to check social media opens up a whole new world of information.
“I can read the comments under their posts to know how their relationship with their friends is, their friends’ sense of humour, and if I would ever get along with them”
Social media handles often are a good representation of the person’s online persona as well as offline identity – their opinions, hobbies, their social circle, and even their occasional offline interactions. You get a sense of what they are like in the real world, not only in the chatroom of a dating app.
Social media also facilitates as a means to swiftly share common interests and strengthen common ground between interacting parties- from sending memes on inside jokes to sharing posts on events they could later attend together.
It becomes a new avenue for a relationship. One which has a larger chance of converting into an offline meet.
Why Swiping Isn’t Enough
The iconic ‘Tinder swipe’ used in popular dating apps has become synonymous in pop culture to denote one’s opinions regarding a romantic choice.
The motion of swiping on a screen is akin to flipping through a magazine or browsing a clothes rack. But, the motion predates magazines- it’s a primitive gesture with studies showing babies as old as 17 days have been seen swiping at objects they find interesting. And when the swiping gesture is used in a game-like fashion seen in dating apps, it employs what is called a variable reward schedule to get us hooked. Similar to a slot machine, each swipe builds curiosity, and the brain is intermittently rewarded with dopamine when you get a match. Each match creates anticipation for the next one – leading us to a circle of repeated swipes.
However, as increased swipes are not necessarily leading to more or better choices, the new-gen Indians are slowly moving away from the atmosphere which creates a gamified dating experience to one which is more serious and sincere. Shifting towards social media indicates this trajectory, where individuals move to converse on these handles as they pause their interactions in these dating apps for a while.
“I am giving greater but controlled access to myself, which I cannot have that balance on dating apps, or by sharing my number”
Further along the way
While giving someone your Instagram handle can be intimate in a way, for Rajat the next step would be to share one’s WhatsApp or phone number which is usually succeeded or preceded by a face-to-face ‘date’.
“Number is more serious. It has become the first point of contact to reach anyone nowadays. In a relationship, it means you’re allowing them to contact you whenever they like…more directly”
With our phones being used as a storehouse for intimate details it has become the key to much of what we do online: making larger and larger payments, eating, shopping, recovering passwords, verifying bank details and even logging into the very dating apps we love to deride. They have grown into a personal piece of information, integral to our online lives especially.
What This Means?
Dating apps allow the smooth interlinking of different social media handles and even Spotify to one’s profile. As this feature was introduced it led to a phenomenon which eventually led to being called-
/tind-stuh-gram-ing/ noun
The act of sneaking into someone’s Instagram DMs after failing to match with them on Tinder.
Social influencers also tried increasing their followers by adding their handles on dating apps and asking matches to follow them on social media sites to increase their audience base.
As both these scenarios deviated from the intended purpose of adding the feature, people stopped adding their handles.
There are still some legitimate concerns for catfishing that creates another set of privacy problems.
What these dating apps need is to develop a safe, secure way to these sites or foster an environment that mimics that of social media sites to allow this trajectory of shifting apps at different stages of relationships, if they do want to be increasingly relevant in creating better relations among individuals.
Rajat eventually did get the social media handle. But, the initial attraction did not last long. In his words “It just fizzled out” and their conversations eventually stopped.
But, he finds there is still hope out there….somewhere.
